The last two weeks have seen Canadians in a hair-pulling frenzy over the antics of hockey commentator Don Cherry and the obnoxious remarks of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. (Remember this the next time you’re tempted to tweak an American friend about how Janet Jackson’s exposed breast nearly triggered global armageddon.)
While our attention was diverted by these all-important issues, some lucky woman driving up from Texas — George W.’s nominal home state — hit the Canadian border and tried to bring a live grenade into the country. (Thus, if recent news stories about the state of our armed forces are accurate, bringing the national total to two.)
Her story is she was trying to get to Vancouver, Washington — something like 400 km away — but made a wrong turn; we in the legal profession call this the “Bugs Bunny Defence.” (Technically, it’s only a BBD if the accused claims to have made the wrong turn in Albuquerque, but most lawyers extend it to include mistaken diversion in any of the contiguous states.)
According to news reports, she didn’t actually know she had a grenade in her glove compartment. Those same reports mention that her husband works for the U.S. military, leaving readers to connect the dots. (“Aw, honey… bringing work home again?”)
Apart from the potential for a dramatic escalation in the road rage wars (“Cut me off, will you? Fire in the hole!”), there may be something broader at work here.
One hates to suspect that one region of the U.S. is churning out less, um, rigorous thinkers than the rest of the country. But if talk radio teaches us anything, it’s that anecdotal evidence never lies.
And that should weigh heavily on our minds, given that a Library of Congress report has just accused Canada of being basically a Marriott for terrorists, and demands that we begin going Ashcroft on our borders.
After all, if we’d done that before 9-11, then… well, okay, it wouldn’t have made a pinprick of difference, because the attackers didn’t come through Canada; they strolled into the States using perfectly legal visas.
But that cannot, should not, will not and, um, cannot stop us from keeping the paranoia bandwagon going. Someone needs to stand tall and ask the question: Why is Canada still opening its borders to people who are demonstrably Texan?
Sure, it was just a disoriented Houstonite with a nasty surprise in her glove compartment — this time.
