Paul Martin and his cabinet sit down tonight for a discussion of election timing. Here’s a preview:
Martin: I’ll have the veal medallions with carrots, and the Cabernet Sauvignon. And thanks for doing this, Joe.
Clark: No prob. What will the rest of you predominantly gentlemen be hav–
Martin: Wait, wait. Is veal the right call here?
Robert Speller, Minister of Agriculture, Such As It Is: Absolutely. It sends the right message about Mad Cow, and a welcome slap in the face to animal rights nuts.
Albina Guarnieri, Minister of This and That: Well, some of those “nuts” are swing voters in marginal urban ridings.
Dennis Mills, Not Actually a Minister But Threatened to Resign If He Wasn’t Invited: I, for one, will quit if you don’t order the veal. And order enough to make a difference — eighty or ninety metric tonnes.
Martin: I’m going for the salmon.
Mills: Good call, and I’m backing you a hundred per cent.
Martin: I mean, probably I am. Hell, has this been researched?
Lucienne Robillard, Minister of Potential Massive Losses in Quebec: As I remember, venison tested through the roof in our Chibougamou focus groups…
Martin: Venison it is.
Robillard: …but pasta did surprisingly well in swing seats in Montreal.
Ralph Goodale, Minister for These Are Very Large Shoes to Fill But I’ll Do My Best, Sir: Jesus Murphy, it’s eleven o’clock already.
Martin: Your point being?
A long pause.
Goodale: Um, what a remarkably open and transparent decision-making process is going on right here.
Everyone: Very open. Isn’t it open? And transparent, too.
Martin: As you know, my goal tonight is to transform the way we do dinner in Ottawa. No more business as usual. We can seize our destiny and demonstrate a shining beacon of leadershiply goodness to the world and even beyond, to all the universe.
Applause.
Martin: (quietly, to Clark) Just ask the cook to send out whatever he usually made for Chrétien.
