Martin threatens same-sex election
Bishops freak: “Now the friggin’ elections are going to be same-sex, too?!”

Methane rain forms rivers on Titan, probe finds
Eliza Doolittle buys rhyming dictionary to look up “Titan”

Doubleday to publish Bin Laden book
Bin Laden says it’s “a little bit light romantic comedy, and a little bit venomous call for bloodshed”

Bush launches 2nd term with ambitious plans to woo the world
“Sorry, did I say ‘woo’? I meant ‘conquer.'”

Roaring Snowstorm Shoves Northeast Into Winter’s Grasp
Frustrated would-be poet finds home at New York Times headline desk

Row over Prince Andrew’s travel expenses
Prince Harry’s Luftwaffe tab also reported to be immense

Headlines from around the web today…

Experts urge faster diagnosis of high blood pressure
Hypertension immediately skyrockets among diagnosticians

China promotes another boom: nuclear power
Nervous neighbours ask China to elaborate on use of word “boom”

Angus Reid staying with Lions
Christians considering Environics

Icy Vancouver gives away 95 tonnes of salt to residents
Giant margarita now being mixed in Point Grey

Canada immigration minister quits in pizza scandal
Must give up coveted “11-11” phone number

Universal testing of cattle not needed: agriculture minister
Canadian sheep, cows, pigs already outperforming Japanese sheep, cows, pigs in math, reading, science

Doctor urges colleagues to quit treating Liberals
Says condition appears to be incurable

WTO panel to rule on Canada-U.S. lumber dispute
Plans gala “5,000th Softwood Lumber Ruling” bash

Pentagon sought “gay” bomb; would turn an opposing army “gay”
Development still under way on “girl germ warfare”