My partner just got back the very latest in unhelpful replies from the customer service department of a big software company. The first half was the e-mail equivalent of “Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.” The second half… well, would it have killed them to direct the inquiry to the right department themselves? (More to the point, would it have violated company policy? Quite possibly.)
It isn’t hard to imagine the interface a customer service representative uses to send these:
Hello [Customer Name],
Thank you for contacting our office. My name is [insert name you have been assigned by your supervisor] and I am [glad | marginally willing | being forced at gunpoint] to assist you.
I apologize for any delay in our response to your issue. Due to [an increase in requests | the release of “Doom 3” | a shortage of gunmen | the relocation of our call centre to the far side of the Moon], our response time may be [longer than usual | much longer than usual | measurable using continental drift].
[Customer Name], since your issue is [technical in nature | in some way challenging | uninteresting to me], as a Customer Service Representative, I suggest you contact [a Developer Support Professional | a spiritual medium | your geeky 12-year-old neighbour | a small dead vole] as they would be in a better position to assist you regarding this issue. They have [the technical understanding of these products | an employer that gives them more than three seconds to devote to each inquiry | that strange and mysterious quality I understand others call “motivation” | a clue].
[Thank | Screw] you,
[Your assigned name]
