I… this is so unexpected. I’m just… I’m overwhelmed.
First, let me say to the other nominees, each of you deserved this award more than I did. It’s mine now, and you’ll never get to touch it, but for what it’s worth, it should have been yours.
To the academy, thank you, thank you, thank you for not nominating me in one of those loser categories where we all have to stand on stage together.
You have opened a door tonight. For the first time, you have given an award to someone who has never made a film, never even been on a film set except that one time I stumbled into “Scooby Doo 2” while they were shooting downtown, and who did nothing remotely film-related this year or frankly ever.
I cannot tell you what kind of hope that gives the billions of people around the world who also aren’t making films.
To everyone who believed in me — that lovely girl at the Gap who said I looked 30 just so she could land the commission from that pair of khakis, the guy from Ipsos-Reid who called me last night and spent 20 minutes just asking me my opinion — you rock.
I want to dedicate this award to the guys down at Magnum Repossession and Collections, Incorporated. Don’t worry, dudes — I’ll have this mother pawned and the money in your hands by dawn.
