BBC News: New name for ‘war on terror’
Confidential focus group report
To: Karl Rove
Re.: Rebranding exercise
Note to Karl: This thing actually is confidential, okay? It’s not like the identity of a CIA operative; this is serious business here.
Focus group conducted
Tuesday, 26 July, 2005
Anytown U.S.A.
7:00 p.m. – Group assembles. Moderator distributes little sandwiches. Some grumbling from group, moderator explains “We eat the little sandwiches we have, not the little sandwiches we wish we had.”
7:05 p.m. – Backup moderator arrives. (Previous moderator reported in stable but guarded condition.)
7:10 p.m. – Focus group begins. Moderator explains purpose of group is to discuss American foreign policy in a post-9/11 world. Explains client behind one-way mirror cannot be identified, but is the world’s sole superpower. Says participants should not refrain from saying what’s on their minds just because client is governed by a paranoid clique that won’t hesitate to violate your civil liberties if you piss them off.
7:17 p.m. — Replacement moderator bundled into helicopter bound for Gitmo. New moderator arrives.
7:20 p.m. — Moderator says he will read phrase, wants to hear first word that participants associate with phrase. Reads phrase: “War on terror.” Responses: “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Horseshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” “Bullshit.” Moderator asks participants to elaborate.
7:33 p.m. — Moderator restores order.
7:34 p.m. — Moderator distributes paper and pencils, tells participants he will read a series of phrases they may not have heard before. Asks them to draw a picture of the first thing they associate with the phrase.
7:35 p.m. — First phrase is read aloud: “A global struggle against the enemies of freedom.” Participant #5 asks for assistance from participant #6 “because I can’t draw a bull to save my life.”
7:37 p.m. — Brief interruption while, responding to client request, moderator takes drawing of bull behind one-way mirror. Client feedback: “Wow. So that’s what they look like up close, huh?” Client is thanked for contribution; moderator suggests he return to Oval Office where his valuable time may be more usefully deployed. Client unwilling to be moved away from pretzel bowl.
7:41 p.m. — Second phrase is read aloud: “Tools of statecraft.” Participants agree that participant #5 is getting much better at drawing bulls. Sample comment: “He looks like he’s straining quite hard.”
7:53 p.m. — Third phrase is read aloud: “Evolving struggle against enemies of civilization.” Some confusion over whether phrase refers to Republican National Committee. Participants are assured it does not. More drawings of bovine defecation. Several participants suggest participant #5 pursue art classes.
8:05 p.m. — Moderator clearly winging it. “How about ‘struggle against enemies of struggle against war against terror’?” Client taps glass of one-way mirror, indicating shortage of pretzels and M&Ms.
8:17 p.m. — Participants asked to respond to mockup of presidential backdrop bearing words “Progress in the struggle against the enemies of civilization.” Three participants attempt arson. (Anticipating this, all creative has been presented on asbestos-based foamcore board.)
8:26 p.m. — Moderator no longer able to finish sentences before being drowned out by participants. (Suggest moderator worksheet be modified to include “open mocking” as a possible response.)
8:31 p.m. — Homeland Security arrives. All participants taken for individual “market research” interviews in secure, undisclosed locations; sessions continuing at this time.
