I get a boilerplate invitation now and then from someone purporting to represent China-based “BIT Congress“. The latest one goes like this:

Dear Rob Cottingham,

This is [redacted], the program coordinator of BIT’s 4th Annual World Congress of Emerging InfoTech-2015. On behalf of the organizing committee, I sent you a formal Invitation Letter several weeks ago, which is regarding inviting you to participate our congress as the Speaker of Module 2: Cloud Computing. But we haven’t received any reply from you. In case of your missing this grant event, I am writing again to extend to you our sincere invitation. (More program details at http://www.bitcongress.com/infotech2015/ScientificProgram.asp)

BIT’s 4th Annual World Congress of Emerging InfoTech-2015 will be held at Shenzhen Convention & Exhibition Center, China during April 18-20, 2015. Since you are the prominent expert in the relevant field of Information Technology, your unique and inspirational message will highlight the congress.

I KNOW, right? Finally, my expertise in cloud computing and the very specific field of Information Technology has been recognized! For years, my credentials have been pooh-poohed by those who point out that I don’t have any. But now, vindication.

Sorry. Let’s continue.

[Two paras that boil down to “You’ll meet and talk with other people. Also, China!”]

For more information regarding InfoTech-2015, please view our congress website via http://www.bitcongress.com/infotech2015

I would be appreciated if you may reply to me regarding this issue at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Contacts:
[redacted]
The Organizing Committee of InfoTech-2015
East Wing, 11F, Dalian Ascendas IT Park,
No. 1 Hui Xian Yuan,
Dalian Hi-tech Industrial Zone,
LN 116025, P. R. China
Tel: 0086-411-84799609-804
Fax: 0086-411-84799629
Email: [redactinified]

I’d love to go. Except I probably wouldn’t have much to say beyond “Cloud computing. (shakes head ruefully) Amirite? Thank you! You’ve been great!” And that really wouldn’t be fair to the conference organizers, who are the prominent experts in the field of {{MERGE CODE}}.

So, with a heavy heart, I’m letting them down easy and replying as follows:

Thanks for the invitation.

Here’s the thing: I know next to nothing about cloud computing, beyond what it is and how to draw clever (if I do say so myself) cartoons about it. And I’m not a prominent expert in any technical computing field; I’m a cartoonist, stand-up comic, speechwriter and communications strategist.

Are you sure you aren’t thinking of another Rob Cottingham? One whose insights and technical adroitness would amaze and astound your attendees, as opposed to leaving them bitterly disappointed and possibly prone to civil disorder? (I’m not saying that’s ever happened after one of my speeches, but I’m not saying it hasn’t.)

While I appreciate your confidence in me, my unique and inspirational message wouldn’t “highlight the conference”; it would bring it (and possibly all future BIT Congress events) to an abrupt and angry end, as participants demanded refunds, criminal sanction and almost certainly some form of trauma counselling.

If that is in fact the effect you’re going for, please let me know and we can discuss further.

Yrs,
–r.