Maybe I have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. But dammit, when an app gets a dot upgrade, I think we deserve more from the release notes than just “Bug fixes and performance upgrades.”

Like maybe,

Version 1.3

What’s New:

The app uses the mic to monitor stress levels in your voice, senses when you Can’t Even, and suspends notifications for 20 minutes.

Added an experimental “Upload your consciousness to Evernote” feature. Try it out!!

All core features are now available without in-app purchases, and prior purchases have been refunded. Swipe up to see a video of the marketing genius who said “Hey, I know they’ve already paid for the app, but let’s make them pay again if they want it to be actually useful” cleaning out his desk.

Extends Location Services to actually change your physical location to any point on the map. Try it out!! (Pro tip: Use satellite imagery to avoid materializing inside walls, mountains or an American Apparel.)

We’ve listened to the estates of several users, and removed death ray functionality from the front camera.

Bug fixes and performance upgrades.

By the way: if you write release notes, and you try to make them even a little engaging and fun, then please know that I love you.

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Hi, cartooning-process fans! If I was doing release notes for this cartoon, they’d include “Switching from Photoshop CS5 to Manga Studio 5 for drawing. Fewer bugs, nicer pens and OMG those perspective rulers.”