Ragan Speechwriter's Conference, day 2: Jeffrey Denny wants to save you from bad commencement speeches

I remember the speech at my university graduation only dimly. Something about barely being able to stay awake through it… and wishing the damn thing would end.

That was nearly 20 years ago, and according to Fannie Mae speechwriter Jeffrey Denny â€“ who took us on a ride through the worst and best of commencement speaking in 2005 â€“ they haven’t improved a bit since.

Neither have the audiences. The students would rather be partying with their friends and saying tear-filled goodbyes than listening to your speaker. And this “whatever” generation is skeptical and cynical; they’ve already seen and heard it all. Add in the rotten acoustics typical of most graduation venues, and you have all the makings of a bomb.

Denny doled out mock awards to some of the past year’s most egregious examples.

The most memorable address for the wrong reasons award, for instance, went to the Pepsi executive whose speech compared the five continents to the five fingers on your hand. Guess which finger represented North America? Pepsi issued a formal apology.
The most unabashed use of a cliche: A former CIA director started off “Life is filled with challenges and opportunities” and concluded “May the challenges ahead always be opportunities.”

It wasn’t all bad, though. Denny mentioned Carly Fiorina, who had been the CEO of Hewlett-Packard when the commencement invitation landed on her desk and was out of a job by the time the day of the speech rolled around. Her comment (winning the “silk purse from a sow’s ear” award): “If there are any recruiters here, I’ll be free around 11.” (See more here.)

The best opening hook award went to MTV founder Dwight Tierney: “So. A couple of things. Wednesday is visitors’ day at Abu Dhabi prison. The Chinese prefer red wine. And Rudy Giuliani doesn’t know who Green Day is. Bear with me, because I have a point.”

And the best speech of all, Denny suggested, was Steve Jobs’ now-legendary address at Stanford. He tied three memorable stories into a compelling case for following your heart. (You can find the full text of Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford’s site.)

That address typified the very best in the year’s commencement speeches. They were modest, personal and self-deprecating. They recognized that graduates already had a lot of knowledge and insight, and instead of trying to set out a philosophical worldview, they told stories and offered the lessons the speaker had learned. From his survey, Denny distilled several pieces of advice. Here are a few:

“First, do no harm.” You will get more publicity from a bad speech than a good speech.
Write something your own kids would enjoy.
Keep it short, funny and insightful. And don’t work your jokes too hard.

Want to check out more commencement speeches? Brace yourself… then head to C-Span for a few dozen of them.

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4 Comments

Scott Piatkowski on 24 Feb 2006 at 16:10

Re. the Pepsi guy’s blunder.

Five continents?

Rob on 25 Feb 2006 at 22:51

Pepsi gal, actually… Indra Nooyi.

As for the continents, in fairness to Ms. Nooyi, she referred to being taught as a child about “the five major continents: Europe, Asia, Africa, and North and South America. Now, let me issue a profound apology to both Australia and Antarctica. I bear neither of these continents any ill will. It’s just that we humans have only five fingers on each hand, so my analogy doesn’t work with seven continents.”

She continued a while later, “This analogy of the five fingers as the five major continents leaves the long, middle finger for North America, and, in particular, the United States. As the longest of the fingers, it really stands out. The middle finger anchors every function that the hand performs and is the key to all of the fingers working together efficiently and effectively. This is a really good thing, and has given the U.S. a leg up in global business since the end of World War I.

“However, if used inappropriately — just like the U.S. itself — the middle finger can convey a negative message and get us in trouble. You know what I’m talking about.”

Me, I think by the time you’ve had to alter the number of continents on the planet and redefine one to represent a single country, the number of people who know what you’re talking about can be counted on the fingers of one… er… you know.

Still, I can understand a Pepsi representative giving up on Australia and Antarctica. Penguins don’t drink a lot of cola, and Pepsi’s major competitor ran into a spot of trouble tryng to expand market share Down Under.

Scott Piatkowski on 26 Feb 2006 at 14:48

Ah, yes… Tim Finn’s one and only movie role (and he did the soundtrack too).

Rob on 27 Feb 2006 at 10:52

“Don’t want to go where there’s no Coca-Cola
You’ve got life by the throat when you’re drinking Coke
Choke back the tears when there’s no Coca-Cola
You’ve got life by the throat when you’re drinking Coke”

Scott Piatkowski on 24 Feb 2006 at 16:10
Re. the Pepsi guy’s blunder.
Five continents?
Rob on 25 Feb 2006 at 22:51
Pepsi gal, actually… Indra Nooyi.
As for the continents, in fairness to Ms. Nooyi, she referred to being taught as a child about “the five major continents: Europe, Asia, Africa, and North and South America. Now, let me issue a profound apology to both Australia and Antarctica. I bear neither of these continents any ill will. It’s just that we humans have only five fingers on each hand, so my analogy doesn’t work with seven continents.”
She continued a while later, “This analogy of the five fingers as the five major continents leaves the long, middle finger for North America, and, in particular, the United States. As the longest of the fingers, it really stands out. The middle finger anchors every function that the hand performs and is the key to all of the fingers working together efficiently and effectively. This is a really good thing, and has given the U.S. a leg up in global business since the end of World War I.
“However, if used inappropriately — just like the U.S. itself — the middle finger can convey a negative message and get us in trouble. You know what I’m talking about.”
Me, I think by the time you’ve had to alter the number of continents on the planet and redefine one to represent a single country, the number of people who know what you’re talking about can be counted on the fingers of one… er… you know.
Still, I can understand a Pepsi representative giving up on Australia and Antarctica. Penguins don’t drink a lot of cola, and Pepsi’s major competitor ran into a spot of trouble tryng to expand market share Down Under.
Scott Piatkowski on 26 Feb 2006 at 14:48
Ah, yes… Tim Finn’s one and only movie role (and he did the soundtrack too).
Rob on 27 Feb 2006 at 10:52
“Don’t want to go where there’s no Coca-Cola
You’ve got life by the throat when you’re drinking Coke
Choke back the tears when there’s no Coca-Cola
You’ve got life by the throat when you’re drinking Coke”