Category Archives: Everything Else

I believe crash reports should be worth reading (11)

What year is it? What? 2015?! Augh, no, too soon! I see the problem: a freed zone element was modified. The convergence is still developing, the lines are too faint—I had hoped for 2022 at least. Now I’m going to lose precious days refilling the temporal reservoir and the gravity buffers, and meanwhile that bastard Perrault is making the most of his head start. And his damage to the timeline is expanding: you’re still using internal combustion engines and taking the Republican Party seriously, for Christ’s sake. Wait… what’s the atmospheric carbon dioxide level..? Oh… oh god, no. Perrault, I swear, you’re going to pay dearly.

What year is it? What? 2015?! Augh, no, too soon! I see the problem: a freed zone element was modified. The convergence is still developing, the lines are too faint—I had hoped for 2022 at least. Now I’m going to lose precious days refilling the temporal reservoir and the gravity buffers, and meanwhile that bastard Perrault is making the most of his head start. And his damage to the timeline is expanding: you’re still using internal combustion engines and taking the Republican Party seriously, for Christ’s sake. Wait… what’s the atmospheric carbon dioxide level..? Oh… oh god, no. Perrault, I swear, you’re going to pay dearly.

One small note from a man, one giant email for humankind

A friend of mine just received one of those weird blank emails you sometimes see, dated 1969-12-31. Oh, I know what you’re going to say: it’s a server glitch, or the email program has a bug. Sure. You believe your thing.

Me? I like to think those emails actually come from Michael Collins, the Apollo 11 astronaut who had to spend a day orbiting the moon—cut off from all human contact, even radio—while Armstrong and Aldrin bounced around on it. How did he cope with being the loneliest person in history? I think he beamed messages into space… messages that ultimately bounced off some distant world or massive as-yet-undetected object, and have only now returned to us, transformed into email. All the data has been lost in the transformation; only the year of transmission remains.

So if you get one, just respond, “Hi, Michael—hang in there. You guys make it back fine.”

The Apollo 11 crew portrait. Left to right are...

Michael’s the one in the middle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Who’s Who of Who Did Whom

To: Mr. The Silent Dagger <red.dagger@darknet589.org>

Dear Mr. Dagger,

You have been nominated to represent your professional community in the Global Who’s Who 2015 Edition. The largest online community of professionals.

We are very pleased to inform you that your candidacy has been approved. Congratulations!

The Publishing Committee has selected you as a potential candidate, based on your standing amongst your professional community as well as specific criteria from the executive and professional council. Given your reputation, the Publishing Director feels your profile would make a welcome addition to our publication.

Since we are using our secondary resources, you must verify with us that your current profile is accurate. After your information is verified, your online listing will be approved within 7 business days.

Please click here to verify your profile and to formally accept the candidacy.

On behalf of our Committee I would like to salute your achievements and welcome you to our association.

Deepest Regards,
Montgomery Hallicrafter, Registry Director
Global Who’s Who Not At All A Scam Directory

Dear Mr. Hallicrafter:

Thank you for your inquiry. While I am indeed gratified at one level to have been chosen to represent my professional community, I feel compelled to warn you that my professional community has not sought nor will it welcome the public spotlight. You would not, I presume, be so reckless as to contact me without being aware of the nature of my profession, which—while sometimes sanctioned by certain government agencies—occupies what could charitably be described as a legal grey area at best, and therefore prefers to remain in the shadows.

With your indulgence, then, I will decline from clicking to verify my profile (which I presume mentions my specialty in remote high-velocity lead-based witness solutions) and will simply confirm my identity in person, at a time and place of my choosing. You will understand that I cannot provide advance notice of my arrival, but I can assure you it will be unexpected, completely convincing and—very briefly—exciting.

I trust it will also serve as my email unsubscription notice to the surviving members of your organization.

Sincerely yours,

The Silent Dagger

P.S.—We would be greatly intrigued to know from which “secondary sources” you derived this email address. Might this information be extracted from you with a minimum of unpleasantness?

I believe crash reports should be worth reading (9)

1Password rarely quits on me, and I love it to bits… AgileBits.

At 11:40 AM PST, the vehicle launched successfully from Polar Station. At 11:44 am, the booster section failed to separate completely from the rest of the launch vehicle. The vehicle immediately deviated sharply from course. A determination was made at 11:46 am that the vehicle was unrecoverable, and an emergency ejection was ordered. Santa and all nine reindeer were successfully rescued downrange, but the remainder of the payload, including gifts for all the good girls and boys of the world, was tragically lost. And that, kids, are why you're getting office supplies this year.At 11:40 AM PST, the vehicle launched successfully from Polar Station. At 11:44 am, the booster section failed to separate completely from the rest of the launch vehicle. The vehicle immediately deviated sharply from course. A determination was made at 11:46 am that the vehicle was unrecoverable, and an emergency ejection was ordered. Santa and all nine reindeer were successfully rescued downrange, but the remainder of the payload, including gifts for all the good girls and boys of the world, was tragically lost. And that, kids, are why you’re getting office supplies this year.